The Good, the Bad, and the Mrs.

December of 2015 has come and gone and we are coming up on three months of marriage! It's hard to wrap my mind around how three months could be over, just like that! Yet, when I look back over the last three months and consider the times I have failed to love or was short tempered and selfish, I feel as though it has to have been longer.

I cannot tell you how many internal battles I have had where I had to choose between being the nagging wife mentioned throughout much of Proverbs (21:19, 15:17, 27:15-16, 25:24) and abiding by 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Sadly, nagging takes many more forms than I ever knew the word to mean.

I knew I was sinful before I met my husband but there is absolute truth in the knowledge that marriage is another part of sanctification. It's as though the Lord is showing me a mirror of myself, magnifying my sins until it breaks my heart. Let's face it, it's acting out. A toddler with the same attitude as a grown adult would be called a brat, while the adult would be considered overwhelmed or tired.

Who would hurt someone they prayed so fervently for? Who would speak disrespectfully to the one they just vowed to honor and obey? Me! I have! No words can express the pain I felt when I let those words of (enter: anger/selfishness/pride) leave my lips knowing they would hurt the one I love so dearly. Next came the regret, wishing I could take them back, and then grace stepped in.

Growing up, I would become emotional if my life didn't fit into the beautiful box I had hoped for. When I made choices that left spots on what I wanted my life to look like, I didn't know how to cope. My emotions left me disappointed in myself, wishing I could go back and start over. I wanted so badly to live life without blemish that each time I failed, it became more and more painful. I became obsessed with maintaining somewhat of a "perfect life".

When I met David, he reminded me that our past didn't have to define our future and that each breath, each day was an opportunity to do better.

Forgiveness is something we all seek, yet we harbor it from others. We know it's powerful! We know it's in the hands of the giver and one of the few things in life that cannot be taken. I guess that's why I am so overwhelmed when someone shows me grace and offers forgiveness. Nothing I have ever done has been worthy of either so they are invaluable gifts.

I will never be a perfect wife but I do want to learn from my mistakes and offer forgiveness when it's my turn. This is the goal I will continue to work toward. My God demands it and my husband deserves it.

Heavenly Conviction, Oh How You Sting

A week after the wedding, I completed my Nutritional Counselling degree (WOOHOO!!!) and treated myself to the all distracting Facebook. I created a profile and added everyone I knew. One of the first people I looked for was the new bride! I knew she, and her guests, would have uploaded wedding photos and I was curious how they turned out. I found her no problem but when I went to add the groom, I was faced with an interesting dilemma. You see, the oldest's middle name is David, and the middle son's first name is David. I could not remember the groom's name for the life of me so I added them both. Then it dawned on me that I had added the middle son and I quickly cancelled that request.

As far as I can remember, David messaged me a day later saying "This might sound weird but did you add me and then cancel the friend request?" I turned red, my heart jumped out of my chest and took a lap around my house, and I again was left with this decision of being a friend or ignoring him. I chose to ignore him.

A few days later, I went to a Jonny Diaz concert where he performed They Need Love. Though I didn't see David as a man who had fallen from his faith, I was still convicted about every person's need for Christ's love in every stage of life. God spoke to me again that night but much more clearly. He wanted me to show grace to David and be a light in his life, show him what God's love looks like and the power His love has in our lives when we surrender to His will. I had no reason to be rude and cold to someone I didn't know and who was I to judge his character, especially based on someone else's opinion.



Don't read into my words like I did with other peoples'. David was saved by grace through faith just like me and just like every other Believer. But in the same breath, he was wandering just like many Christians today. He was trying to find God's will for his life and got stuck in a rut of living life without intention, which lead him to friendships that weren't pointing him to Christ. We ALL have wandered and we ALL have felt lukewarm in our faith.

He never walked away from his faith, he served in ministry religiously when his faith seemed weakest, when his Brothers and Sister's in Christ caused him the most pain. His heart never turned cold against children or the elderly. He just stopped seeing the love of Christ from his fellow believers.

It became all about pointing out his flaws rather than pointing him back to the One who died for his flaws.

So in faith I walked in what I believe was God's convictions on my heart and will for my future and I replied to David's message.

The following days were filled with outpouring of both of our hearts. I wanted him to see me not as another fellow Christian who holds a place of judgement in his life but as a Sister in Christ who has had a desire to see him turn back to the Father with a fervent love for His Savior. I am a sinner just as he is. I remember asking him "If we don't recognize our sin, how can we come to the point of realizing our need for a Savior?" His tone change in his messages. It was almost like with each day, each verse, each word of encouragement, his spirit was lifted. When his heart was burdened by questions and the inability to move on from his past, I would type out my prayers. He needed to know someone cared, he needed to feel God's loving arms wrap around him as he was lifted in prayer.

There came a day when I stopped replying and instead poured out my heart to the Lord. I needed to see Him in David's heart. I knew He was there but I needed to see David take his faith and run toward God, leaving the past hurt behind. God heard me and David sent me a message the next day. It wasn't small talk, it wasn't the normal "What's up? How are you?" It was "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." He then said that he was leaving the past behind and wanted to see life again in the way that I had been showing him. He was turning a new leaf.

There is nothing more beautiful than watching a child run back into the arms of a loving father. 

God met me where I needed Him. He gave me the peace I needed to keep walking in faith. I will never forget that feeling in that moment...because in that moment, with joyful tears running down my face, I knew, I loved David.