The Good, the Bad, and the Mrs.

December of 2015 has come and gone and we are coming up on three months of marriage! It's hard to wrap my mind around how three months could be over, just like that! Yet, when I look back over the last three months and consider the times I have failed to love or was short tempered and selfish, I feel as though it has to have been longer.

I cannot tell you how many internal battles I have had where I had to choose between being the nagging wife mentioned throughout much of Proverbs (21:19, 15:17, 27:15-16, 25:24) and abiding by 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Sadly, nagging takes many more forms than I ever knew the word to mean.

I knew I was sinful before I met my husband but there is absolute truth in the knowledge that marriage is another part of sanctification. It's as though the Lord is showing me a mirror of myself, magnifying my sins until it breaks my heart. Let's face it, it's acting out. A toddler with the same attitude as a grown adult would be called a brat, while the adult would be considered overwhelmed or tired.

Who would hurt someone they prayed so fervently for? Who would speak disrespectfully to the one they just vowed to honor and obey? Me! I have! No words can express the pain I felt when I let those words of (enter: anger/selfishness/pride) leave my lips knowing they would hurt the one I love so dearly. Next came the regret, wishing I could take them back, and then grace stepped in.

Growing up, I would become emotional if my life didn't fit into the beautiful box I had hoped for. When I made choices that left spots on what I wanted my life to look like, I didn't know how to cope. My emotions left me disappointed in myself, wishing I could go back and start over. I wanted so badly to live life without blemish that each time I failed, it became more and more painful. I became obsessed with maintaining somewhat of a "perfect life".

When I met David, he reminded me that our past didn't have to define our future and that each breath, each day was an opportunity to do better.

Forgiveness is something we all seek, yet we harbor it from others. We know it's powerful! We know it's in the hands of the giver and one of the few things in life that cannot be taken. I guess that's why I am so overwhelmed when someone shows me grace and offers forgiveness. Nothing I have ever done has been worthy of either so they are invaluable gifts.

I will never be a perfect wife but I do want to learn from my mistakes and offer forgiveness when it's my turn. This is the goal I will continue to work toward. My God demands it and my husband deserves it.