My sweet husband and I have been trying for a baby for a bit and while there is always another couple who has been trying longer, the days and months bring pain to those who's hearts physically ache for children. Many of us who are struggling keep to our group and don't often shout from the mountain tops about our most intimate struggle.
This morning, while chatting with my TTC friends and a momma I've grown to adore as a friend and source of wisdom, I decided the best thing for my husband and I right now is to spend time with other people's little ones. I could see it in my husband's eyes every Sunday morning when he looked around the sanctuary at the babies. That glimmer that if given the permission to develop would quickly become a tear. But he has to be strong so a glimmer is all he allows. Until we get home and we talk about how cute that little baby was and how much we want a child of our own. We reflect on the months of hoping and waiting, only to be let down and emotionally broken. This is when the tears fall. But I knew my friend was correct, we needed baby time. We needed to be reminded of the joys of a child and enjoy the company of a human who's vocabulary is limited to "mama" and "dada".
Through an innocent social media post seeking time with friends and their little ones in exchange for free dinner, some well intention friends suggested that we have a baby of our own. This is when my day turned. In that moment I struggled with frustration, fear, anger, and sorrow. In that moment I realized that way too many people make comments that leave the recipient heartbroken. Too many times that recipient puts on a good face until they can get away and express the sadness in private. In my office, by myself I cried out to the Lord. My heart couldn't understand why some people have children so easily and make such hurtful comments. Why we were working so hard for something that seemed so easy. Then I got a private message from a friend who has been suffering in silent while so many people judged her and her husband, claiming they were putting off children. While the whole time they have been praying for a baby and it's just not been God's plans for them.
I knew it was time we become a beacon of support to those who suffer in silence and be the voice they need.
If you could take a moment to read over my heart through text, please let it sink in. I did my best to keep a calm tone but the truth needs to be shared. Your words may have hurt many people already.
Some of these comments we have heard ourselves, others are from friends who have suffered from such carelessness.
I write this for all of our fellow travelers who are afraid to share their pain.
"You need to enjoy just being married/together."
"You should be content just being married."
I love my husband and my husband loves me. If anything, this journey has drawn us closer together both in our relationship to each other as well as our walk with the God.
Parenthood is a calling. It's not our source of joy, it's not something we desire because we are dissatisfied with each other. It's an desire and calling we share, one we want to seek together.
It's none of your business.
"I wish I could go back and put off kids a little longer"
"You really shouldn't even think about kids until you've been married for __ years"
Surely the Lord would not have equipped my body with the ability to carry a child if I was meant to wait until we'd been married for a set amount of time. I must have missed that part of the call to "be fruitful and multiply". This comment is probably one of the most angering I've heard and I honestly don't know how to process it, especially from a fellow Christian.
What a couple does in their own bedroom is no one's business but their own. I'm further baffled that someone would encourage abstinence or birth control for the purpose of living by a timeline. What exactly are we supposed to do within these two years? Oh, and I'm sorry your children are a burden, that they stole your younger years.
It's none of your business.
"You're not ready for children. You are too young."
May I direct you back to Anatomy and Lord's call to parenthood? If you are married, you can morally have children. End of story. Ask any parent if they felt "ready" when they had their children and they will say "no". Yet here we are, living and breathing and taking the plunge ourselves. Our parents must have done something right.
It's none of your business.
"Why don't you have your own?"
Without being rude...don't you think they know this already? Whatever the reason is for them not having children yet, I'm pretty sure they are aware of this option.
You have just reminded those who are struggling to conceive of their failure and removed yourself as a possible support in their life.
It's none of your business.
What you may not know is
that couple had a baby but lost it. Not everyone shares these losses but everyone remembers the children they never got to meet.
"You've only been trying for ____. You need to calm down, it'll happen when it happens."
Do you remember that feeling of meeting your significant other and thinking "I can't wait to marry the love of my life!" It's a beautiful feeling! Now what if you were stuck in that feeling and you knew who the love of your life was and you were getting ready to begin life together but for an unexplained reason, you can't move! You can't hold them, you can't kiss them, you can't even talk to them. Now imagine a parent who's heart is desiring a child, not just thinking it'd be cool to have a baby but DESIRING a child and they are doing everything "right" but for reasons they cannot explain, it's not happening. Now imagine them being told they are being ridiculous and have no foundation for their emotions. That their tears and heartache is essentially foolish. That's what your words feel like.
Let's make this very clear, whether they're are trying for a handful of months or two handfuls of years....they're desire is no more or less. You try to take on your passion with a one shot at success per month. Only one shot. That's 12 shots per year at something that consumes your thoughts. Now lets make that a moving target. A tad frustrating and discouraging huh? This is what trying to conceive feels like. It's none of your business.
"When are you going to give your son/daughter a brother/sister????"
"You should hurry up if you want them to have a ___ year gap! I think that's the perfect time"
Let me say this now
secondary fertility exists and hurts. We are not struggling through this personally but I know so many couples who are and nothing hurts more than having people stick their noses into a couple's fertility, questioning why they haven't had another kid. They probably had dreams of a specific age gap but are just not able to conceive or keep losing their babies.
It's none of your business.
"Why are you putting off having kids? You won't be able to keep up once you're older"
"You're being selfish with your time, you should be raising children."
Assumptions are what bitterness is made of. I honestly don't know if I can put into words my thoughts on these comments but they are too common. I think I'll just end in...It's none of your business.
People may give a sweet "Okay" "Thanks" "We will see" or even an honest yet emotionless "We are trying" but behind those short phrases are nights of crying out to God and praying non stop for even just a glimmer of hope.
In closing, we are called to bear one another's burdens but often times this is a chapter of life we don't openly share. For this reason I ask that you take a moment before speaking and treat every couple as though they are unable to conceive before making comments.
