Last Friday was my initial visit with Dr. V, my new Oncologist. He is a very kind man who is great at listening and respecting a patients wishes as he approaches testing and treatment.
After describing my health issues and chosen treatments, he asked me to explain how my doctors and I had come to the conclusions but he seemed genuinely curious as well, I'm sure, with the intention to see if I knew what was going on and if I had an active role in my health.
Never did he question my sanity or intelligence based on my desire to do things naturally (which was the way my other Oncologist approached me during my consult in November).
He concluded based on past history and the blood test results over the months that he is almost sure my spleen is enlarged due to a prior infection and because it's enlarged, it's over active in its efforts to filter out old blood cells....leading to my low blood counts.
He is almost certain that the spots on my liver are congenital (since birth), are called hemangioma , and are very similar to the birthmark on Mikhail Gorbachev's head. They are harmless bruise looking spots that stop growing in infancy so into my 20s, I'm clear.
His next thought was to offer me three approaches. First, we could do an MRI with standard IV contrast to rule out more serious causes. Second was spleen and liver scan with radioactive IV contrast. Last being to leave everything alone and monitor any changes with time, giving my body a chance to fix itself.
I chose the MRI as the second least invasive/harmful while also giving answers we can only get by looking inside from a vascular level. Not only does it identify the large spot on my spleen but it'll also confirm the hemangioma spots on my liver.
My scan was yesterday and though a longer test compared to a CT, it wasn't too bad. I was nervous as I had been waiting for this test so I can finally have a more solid understanding of what is going on inside.
They had me change into a hospital gown and take off all jewelry. It was a bit chilly and when I laid down on the table, they covered my legs with a blanket and put heavy duty headphones over my ears to protect me from the loud scanner.
Next came a wand in the shape of a flat "T" which was placed over my spleen and liver, followed by what the radiologist called an "shield antenna" which was basically a slightly heavy board that went on my chest and abdomen.
My IV was put in and saline injectedto verify that the tube was clear and once I smelled and tested "metal", she knew we were good to go.
She told me that she'd be instructing me throughout the scan to breath out completely and hold my breath for a specific amount of time and the last two tests would be done after she remotely injected the contrast.
Once she finished explaining and handed me an emergency button, she moved the table into the scanner and left the room to watch behind a glass window and begin the test.
(Because this is a scan using a very strong magnetic field, no one is allowed in the same room and family members have to stay in a designated area.)
Outside of the board on my chest making my breathing slightly harder, I didn't have any problems following the instructions.
Once she injected the contrast though, I did feel my chest tighten up a little, an elevated heart rate, and the "I'm peeing" sensation (that is normal but you really are not urinating, it just feels very warm).
I did find it a little harder to hold my breath those last two times and by then felt ready to get out of the scanner.
Everyone reacts to contrast differently and I didn't have that problem with the CT so now that I'm aware, I can tell them the next time I get a scan.
Once I got off the table, I felt weak and slightly nauseous along with the lingering tight chest. The radiologist let me sit for a couple minutes before showing me back to the changing room. My last instruction was to drink a lot of water for two days to lighten the stress on my kidneys as the contrast is flushed out off my system.
I changed and went out to the waiting room and sat with my mom for about 5 minutes before regaining strength to go home.
Again, not everyone reacts this way. It wasn't a bad experience but not my favorite either.
They said my Oncologist should get the results on Monday so I'll update when I hear back.
We pray for patience and a still soul in the midst of this waiting game called life. We feel strong and believe in our hearts that God has control.
Somehow, in the quiet, in the dark, Satan grabs ahold of our minds and uses that lingering ounce of human fear to leave us feeling weak.
When we recognize that we are weak, we pray again for peace and a still soul.....
I know there is beauty in the pain and that God is creating a masterpiece but there are days when it is tiring to be so tired and frustrating to seemingly have a weaker memory with each day.
To know your limits it one thing, to accept them is another.
I used to be the one to remember things for other people, be the extra hands in time of need but I can't remember if I took my medicine last night or this morning. I rely on a chart and phone alarms to be my brain. My words don't come as quickly nor as clearly. I stammer and use incorrect terms to find a match for my intend statement.
I don't often have the energy nor the willpower to get off the couch and actually study or clean or cook. When offered the opportunity to watch little people last minute at a game, I feel this deep pain and guilt for being so selfish as to even consider complaining.
People ask questions so we feel obligated to answer when in reality we wish it would just go away. So, you say you are ok but you cry in private.
We pretend to be strong because if we show weakness they might show pity and we don't want that because self pity is our #1 battle.
We don't want to be weak so we pretend to be strong. Pretend to be strong...for ourselves, for our families, for the general public.
What's the saddest part? When everyone draws near to be there for you but instead, you wish you could hide and deal with it on your own. Just be healthy or alone.
To not have the questions from loved ones, not have the concern from practical strangers, not have the appointments, it's all a dream. Though the doctors say they think its minimal compared to the original observations, you still can't shake that gray cloud. It may blow away for a week or so but it's there and you know it will be back.
What do you say when your heart and mind feel more sick than your body? What doctor has the powers to heal those pains? The Great Physician.
Only I seem to be one of His worst patients and it appears that His prescription of complete daily surrender isn't such an easy pill to swallow.
It hurts to admit weakness when all your life you have tried to be other peoples' strength.
Just like any treatment though, it takes time and unlike in the earthly medical field, the eternal healing is truly guaranteed.
Just takes some time and a lot of humility. When you stop to evaluate reality, you realize you are blessed beyond compare and lucky compared to most people, struggling in life. You dry your face and jump back in with your new strength.
So, when you ask me how I am and I say I am ok, I probably need a hug and a verse of encouragement because deep down inside, I'm weak and I need to be reminded that weakness isn't shameful nor is it a burden I must carry alone.
The devil is sneaky and even when we think we are strongest, he is closest...just waiting to declare spiritual warfare through our minds, then our hearts.
Depression and fear are Satan's cheap shots at a child of God. The battle had already been won, we have victory.
So what do we do? We surrender our lives, our comfort, our need for control over to God. Once we have done this, we wake up each day and again lay our burdens at His feet and remind ourselves of His promises and constant provisions.
Because we truly are blessed. I really am blessed. Even beyond the things I do know about my life, I am blessed.
Revelation 21:4-5 ESV
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.”
Psalm 23:1-6 ESV
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Yesterday was my first echocardiogram (echo) and let me just say it is my favorite test so far. That month brought a few medical "firsts" but I have yet to experience something that hasn't brought me much joy in return.
As a little one I remember my parents teaching me about the body and medicine. With all of this awareness came curiosity and though I was never good about asking questions, I sought information out in different ways until I found enough to satisfy me for that time.
Around middle school I decided in my mind that I would come up with a pill containing all the elements necessary to life so we could all stop worrying about eating. Ha!
Being a pharmacist had a ring to it but I didn't like how people felt when they took most medicines. However, thanks to my dear mom I was knowledgable in the commercial and pharmaceutical names of over the counter pain meds.
Advil is Ibuprofen, Tylenol is acetaminophen, ____is naproxen sodium and each had their use and each put a strain on a different organ. I don't remember all of what my mom taught me as it's been about 5 years since I willingly took pain medicines..... But I still love medical facts.
Anyway....back to the echo....
While at my initial visit with Dr. W, my new conventional doctor, he had me overview my health, specifically this past year. When he heard that I had gone over 2 weeks with strep without any antibiotics, he expressed his concern for my heart.
I had known that strep back in the day was known to cause permanent damage if left untreated but somehow thought I had mine under control.....that is until I admitted I didn't. Obviously I was both a bad doctor and headstrong patient.
He took a listen to my heart (which I later found out by the cardio tech to be a false way of identifying such a concern) and simply said "Sounds like we have a slight mitral valve prolapse but we will order an echocardiogram just to be sure."
A week later, I went in and the procedure was very simple. After changing into a hospital gown, the tech had me lay on my back. She started the ultrasound machine up and applied gel to my chest. I was instructed to lay on my left side to allow gravity to move my left lung away from my heart. She then used the ultrasound wand to identify my heart and various settings on the machine to narrow in on each valve.
I was warned before we began that the machine would be making noises throughout the procedure but I had no idea that those noises were actually going to be the blood flowing through each valve. There was a distinct sound for each one and I was so intrigued that the tech allowed me to turn my head and watch the monitor.
Not only did I get to hear each valve individually but I heard my heartbeat and saw each ventricle and valve as well!
She told me that the photo was not only backwards but also upside down due to the nature of the waves (a concept that is beyond my understanding) so I had to readjust my attempts to identify the parts of a heart. It was a lot of fun to quiz myself and she was so kind to play along with me!
Once she was finished taking the photos and sound clips, she had me lay on my back again and attempted to tuck the wand under my ribs to view my heart in that position but due to the enlargement of my spleen, she said she couldn't get a good view.
That was it! I was done and on my way home. Smiling really big because I got a sneak peak into my heart!
