We pray for patience and a still soul in the midst of this waiting game called life. We feel strong and believe in our hearts that God has control.
Somehow, in the quiet, in the dark, Satan grabs ahold of our minds and uses that lingering ounce of human fear to leave us feeling weak.
When we recognize that we are weak, we pray again for peace and a still soul.....
I know there is beauty in the pain and that God is creating a masterpiece but there are days when it is tiring to be so tired and frustrating to seemingly have a weaker memory with each day.
To know your limits it one thing, to accept them is another.
I used to be the one to remember things for other people, be the extra hands in time of need but I can't remember if I took my medicine last night or this morning. I rely on a chart and phone alarms to be my brain. My words don't come as quickly nor as clearly. I stammer and use incorrect terms to find a match for my intend statement.
I don't often have the energy nor the willpower to get off the couch and actually study or clean or cook. When offered the opportunity to watch little people last minute at a game, I feel this deep pain and guilt for being so selfish as to even consider complaining.
People ask questions so we feel obligated to answer when in reality we wish it would just go away. So, you say you are ok but you cry in private.
We pretend to be strong because if we show weakness they might show pity and we don't want that because self pity is our #1 battle.
We don't want to be weak so we pretend to be strong. Pretend to be strong...for ourselves, for our families, for the general public.
What's the saddest part? When everyone draws near to be there for you but instead, you wish you could hide and deal with it on your own. Just be healthy or alone.
To not have the questions from loved ones, not have the concern from practical strangers, not have the appointments, it's all a dream. Though the doctors say they think its minimal compared to the original observations, you still can't shake that gray cloud. It may blow away for a week or so but it's there and you know it will be back.
What do you say when your heart and mind feel more sick than your body? What doctor has the powers to heal those pains? The Great Physician.
Only I seem to be one of His worst patients and it appears that His prescription of complete daily surrender isn't such an easy pill to swallow.
It hurts to admit weakness when all your life you have tried to be other peoples' strength.
Just like any treatment though, it takes time and unlike in the earthly medical field, the eternal healing is truly guaranteed.
Just takes some time and a lot of humility. When you stop to evaluate reality, you realize you are blessed beyond compare and lucky compared to most people, struggling in life. You dry your face and jump back in with your new strength.
So, when you ask me how I am and I say I am ok, I probably need a hug and a verse of encouragement because deep down inside, I'm weak and I need to be reminded that weakness isn't shameful nor is it a burden I must carry alone.
The devil is sneaky and even when we think we are strongest, he is closest...just waiting to declare spiritual warfare through our minds, then our hearts.
Depression and fear are Satan's cheap shots at a child of God. The battle had already been won, we have victory.
So what do we do? We surrender our lives, our comfort, our need for control over to God. Once we have done this, we wake up each day and again lay our burdens at His feet and remind ourselves of His promises and constant provisions.
Because we truly are blessed. I really am blessed. Even beyond the things I do know about my life, I am blessed.
Revelation 21:4-5 ESV
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.”
Psalm 23:1-6 ESV
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.